I feel it is necessary that that we pause a moment to honor the fallen. Still no word from precious Mugglestone-surely he has been whacked-so now, we must pay tribute to this iconic figure.
Sweet Mugglestone: our hearts go out to you.
Despite feeling tattered from last week's harrowing discoveries, we must remain strong. We must use every means and pull every string at our disposal, and not only come to a resolution regarding the crime wave currently devastating the Music Industry, but also save Sir Springsteen.
Fortunately, the Ticket Master/Live Nation Mafia merger was met with semi-swift retribution last week. Most notably, Scrumptious Springsteen has triumphed, settling with Ticketmaster over the recent ticket scalping debacle. According to S.M.G. Inc.'s insider sources, the New Jersey Attorney General has ordered the Mafioso syndicate to pay a $350,000 fine to cover its recently caused online damages.
But considering the syndicate's 2.5 billion-dollar merger with the deadly Live Nation, 350,000 bones is insignificant. It almost seems like chump change, considering the vertically integrated proposal.
Fortunately enough, efforts have been made to denounce this possible crime family allegiance. Last week, as reported by trusted sources, the planned conglomeration went before the Subcommittee on Antitrust, Competition Policy and Consumer Rights, attempting to convince the panel of the merger's benefits to the nation's limping economy and avoidance of anti-trust laws. Also unveiled at the hearing was the horrific reality that the newly merged syndicate, Live Nation Entertainment Inc. (as it would be called), will be run by the ruthless Irving Azoff.
We've met Azoff before, and clearly the man is a vampire. Currently the Godfather of Ticketmaster and destroyer of all things beautiful, Azoff has clamed a monopoly is good for business, and merging is the only way both families can survive in such trying financial times. Azoff dubiously explains away the industry's current state of disrepair, and claims mafia rule will dissolve all issues responsible for the failing industry.
Oh sweet Bruce, What's happened to our world? Have we fallen on such volatile times that the only way to survive is by succumbing to organized crime? Is the barbarous Azoff right? Is there really no other way? Why has Bono thrown himself a personal pity-party the past two weeks?
Tune in next week: The Boss will surely come to our rescue.
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