Police blame face mutilation on dog farts

A man's face and neck were torn to shreds by his girlfriend when his roommate's dog apparently farted. The dog, a Golden Retriever, was napping at the man's feet when it farted, causing his girlfriend, who was kissing his neck, to instead bite her boyfriend's face and neck quite enthusiastically.

By the time her boyfriend figured out what was going on, the sucking had turned into full biting.

"I reached down to push her off and she just bit right into my neck," he said. "I screamed and knocked her off of me. She had this crazy look in her eye. It happened so fast, before I knew it, she was fine."

Investigators concluded that the fart, loaded with a deadly gas, causes anyone who might inhale this gas to become ravenous for human face and neck flesh. The gas, called rottenoderotmis, is a deadly fume created in the dog's large intestine during digestion, Retrievers are particularly prone to this gas; doctors recommend a strict diet for the dogs to prevent such gases from being created and discharged.

The man did not press charges against his girlfriend, who has apologized and offered to pay for reconstructive face and neck surgery, or against his roommate for feeding the dog chili cheese hotdogs, one of the leading causes of the gas. He did, however, say that since the "biting incident" his sex life has taken a turn for the worst.

"Before this all happened, I really enjoyed my girlfriend's affections," he said. "Since then, I haven't been able to relax and enjoy when she kisses me. I am nervous she will turn into a cannibal again."