Love it or hate it, "American Idol" is back and pop culture may never be the same. Whether you're a die-hard fan or someone who'd prefer to jab a sharp stick in your eye rather than listen to Simon Cowell and Paula Abdul yammer on, you know you can't resist watching the audition tapes. As one poor, deluded fool after another tries to get his 15 minutes of fame, we get to sit back with a satisfied smirk and mightily enjoy a giant serving of schadenfreude. (Definition: Pleasure taken from someone else's misfortune.)
Why do we love to gloat? Why do we glue ourselves to the idiot box whenever a potential train wreck looms? It's puzzling, especially since we could be watching something educational like PBS, CNN or "WWE Ultimate Smackdown." (Now, don't get all highbrow on us - "Smackdown" is educational. Really, where else can you learn how to pretend to flatten your opponent when you're really just smacking the canvas and grunting loudly? But that's a topic for another day…)
Psychologists tell us that our fascination with failure stems from an innate desire for survival. In order to propagate the species, we must attract a mate. To attract a mate we need a healthy dose of self-esteem. Nothing boosts your self-image faster than watching someone in rainbow tights twirl a baton while simultaneously warbling "Somewhere Over The Rainbow" in a range only audible to dogs. You can sit back, smile and say, "At least I'm not that guy." Thus emboldened, you cruise down to the local watering hole and start hitting on the hotties. They can't help but notice your dashing self-confidence, and before you know it you're picking out wedding china and renting a tux. Ergo, the future of the human race is secure. Once you break it down, it appears that "American Idol" may be saving the world.
But is it really that complicated? Couldn't it just be that we like laughing at these gomers? After all, a good chuckle relieves stress and we could all use a little less stress in our lives. Crazy bosses, crazy drivers, crazy weather - we all need a break from the tension, something to keep us from climbing the clock tower with an AK-47 and mowing down innocent bystanders. Hmmm…when you break it down from this angle, it appears that yet again "American Idol" protects the world we live in.
We might have the workings of an important new theory here. The evidence certainly seems compelling, but we must consider opposing arguments. Is there any evidence that "American Idol" is actually a WCD - a Weapon of Cultural Destruction?
Sadly, there is. Ladies and gentlemen, may we present…drumroll, please…William Hung. Yes, the kooky engineering student who slaughtered Ricky Martin's song "She Bangs" on the third season has managed to extend his 15 minutes of fame considerably. He's released three albums including the Christmas classic Hung for the Holidays. (Yes, that title is correct. Go ahead and laugh - I'll wait.)
That's not all. Hung was also named Artichoke King at the 2006 Castroville Artichoke Festival Parade in Castroville, California. This makes you wonder what qualifications are needed to be crowned Artichoke King, and who came up short in the competition. Is George Clooney tied up in a closet somewhere, screaming futilely through his gag that he deserves the title?
It's hard to say what the final verdict will be on "American Idol." Will future generations look back on it with fondness or revulsion? Will they think we were brilliant or dropping acid? Will "Idol" save the world or hasten its demise? Guess you'll just have to tune in to find out.
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