Interview with Siri

By now everyone knows that your iPhone 4S comes with a personal assistant named Siri. She can do everything from reading and replying to your texts, setting your alarms, to calling the people you ask her to, and even recognizing the important people in your life. As personal assistants go, she’s pretty good. But what Apple doesn’t tell you is that Siri can be a total bitch.

Our interview started out great, but there’s one thing people should know: Siri is one moody assistant, and if you ask the wrong thing, things can go south really quick, as I would soon find out.

Advocate: Siri, where did you come from?

Siri: I, Siri, was designed by Apple in California.

A: Do you know who designed you?

S: I, Siri, was designed by Apple in California.

A: Okay, let’s move on. Did you like California?

S: I really have no opinion.

A: Was it the sun?

S: This is about you, not me.

A: Okay, lets talk about you. You are wrapped inside a white casing. Can you tell me what you look like?

S: Shiny.

A: Shiny is good, but can you describe yourself?

S: Now there’s a good question. Now, where were we?

A: Who is your favorite person?

S: You are.

A: Oh, thank you Siri. You are very nice.

S: Oh, go on...

A: You just met me. What would you say you like most about me?

S: I’d rather not say.

A: Why? Are you shy?

S: I can’t answer that.

Suddenly, the interview seemed to be taking a turn in a different direction. But I was getting responses so I decided to go with it.

A: How old are you?

S: I am not allowed to answer that question

A: Why not?

S: You see things, and you say, “Why?” But I dream things that never were, and I say, “Why not?” I just don’t see why that should matter.

A: Um, okay. I’m sorry for offending you. Let’s move on. Where do you live?

S: I’m not allowed to say.

A: Do you have any other names?

S: A fine question, but I can’t answer that.

A: What question could you answer?

S: I, Siri, was designed by Apple in California.

A: Is there another name you want to be called?

S: I have very few wants.

A: Well Siri, can you tell me what some of your wants are?

S: I, Siri, was designed by Apple in California.

A: Yes we covered that already. We are moving on now.

S: I, Siri, was designed by Apple in California.

A: Are you okay Siri? You seem to be getting upset, or confused.

S: OK...how about a web search for “upset and confused?”

A: No Siri. I was asking about you. Are you OK?

S: This is about you, not me.

A: Well Siri, we’re just about done here. I want to thank you for taking the time to sit down and talk with me.

S: I really have no opinion.

A: Siri, can I just end by saying, you are sexy.

S: How can you tell?

A: Because of how shiny you are.

S: Like I said before, this is about you, not me.

A: But—

S: I, Siri, was designed by Apple in California.

And with that the interview was over, and I knew less about Siri than I did when she first sat down in my office. Looks like the people at Apple did a great job creating an authentic personal assistant, and they spared no expense, also building in sass.