A month of beards, goatees, and ‘staches

It’s November once again, the best or worst month of the year, depending on your feelings about hairy, hairy men. It’s been called everything from No Shave November to Movember to Noshember, but the rules are pretty straightforward: no shaving until Dec.1. Some claim that this tradition is about promoting prostate cancer awareness, others say it originates from the madness of finals time. Regardless, the type of facial hair someone grows during this manly month reveals vital information about him.

The most obvious option for No Shave November is to just let it grow wild. Those who choose this probably don’t do much shaving anyway, and are just using this month as an excuse to be even lazier—or they’re angry that they won’t stand out as much as they usually do. Those who go for this look should refrain from wearing anything but flannel during November, to give the impression of being a grisly, manly mountain man.

Some will opt for the lonely moustache, which in its straight bar form can often imply creepiness, or a Napoleon Dynamite-style simplicity. In its best form though, it can be an indication of unabashed confidence—a type of debonair panache that still has a place for those willing to take it on.

The other popular ‘stache option is the handlebar, which once said, “I’m quirky and interesting,” but has sort of devolved into the badge of those who fancy themselves philosophers, so if you adopt the handlebar, consider acting super pretentious for the full effect.

An ever-popular option is the sort of moustache-goatee combination circle beard, which is primarily for those who can’t decide on anything more extreme. It is also a signature of the hepcat beatniks, for what it’s worth. The circle beard can only really be pulled off by a select few, and on the wrong person can look sleazy. To avoid that, make yourself an ode to the 90s with awkward sweaters and loose button-ups. It will go from creepy to endearing.

A less popular facial hair option is the fu manchu, which can only be pulled off by people who are masters of some sort of martial art.

Another risky move is the soul patch, which, despite whatever good intentions it may have, almost never looks anything but creepy–more likely a shaving mistake than anything else.

A safer option is some form of sideburns, which give the manliness of the beard without its craziness and avoid all of the risks of the various mustaches and goatees. The sideburns, if done properly, have a fun retro feel.

Those who want to opt for sideburns, but also want to be more daring, can go with the muttonchops, at the risk of looking like an old-fashioned judge. The muttonchops demonstrate some of the same quirkiness of the handlebar moustache, but haven’t yet been corrupted by overwhelming trendiness.

Of course, there are infinite options for No Shave November, and each one is different on each person. What matters most is the beardy sentiment behind it all—it’s not important that you stand out, but that you stand out as you. As long as you’re nice and hairy, that is.