Cera is a cute bass player

Michael Cera wishes he were a bassist in a shitty band, and it's so cute. Scott Pilgrim Versus The World isn't the first time the young actor played the part. You might recall his role in the teen romance Nick & Norah's Infinite Playlist, where he played in an "all gay" punk band called the "Jerk Offs". And if you're like me, you're still dealing with the nightmares.

But why does Cera have to play a bass player, and why is he always in an unimpressive band? Sure, that's how the story was written in both Scott Pilgrim and Nick & Norah, and casting Cera was likely an afterthought. According to the films, however, there's still some link between being a bass player in an unremarkable band and meeting the love of your life. I've tried this more times than most, and I still haven't found the same luck. I'm sure I'm not alone.

But now, I think I'm starting to get it: If you are a man in his twenties who has almost no pubic hair, it doesn't matter how shitty your band is. In fact, if you are perhaps in a good band, you're likely doomed to drug addiction and numerous divorces—no true love for you.

So really, what kind of messages are the filmmakers sending to our young musicians? Mediocrity gets you laid and masculine standards of beauty are now bordering on pedophilia is what I'm getting. Oh, and being able to kick all of your love interests' ex-boyfriends' asses will never grow out of style. Pretty primordial, don't you think?

My film analysis chops may be a little rusty, but more likely, I'm just getting annoyed with Cera. He's surpassed his former self in Arrested Development and his acting roles are growing too complex for me: instead of being a confused child, he's now a confused child who plays in a band and gets laid by the girl of his dreams.

Unfortunately for teenybopper ladies who just found out that a showerhead has more than one use, the "getting laid" aspect of Cera's characters isn't getting past the editing process. But don't mistake his innocent characters for some sort of Jonas Brothers-like purity. Everyone should know that even a fake bass player can't resist a Roman orgy.