Sh*t his dad says is hilarious

My dad rarely says "shit." I don't think he curses much at all, except under very special circumstances.

But Justin Halpern's father says lots of shit. So much that Halpern has written a book called Shit My Dad Says after finding a great deal of popularity on Twitter.

I'm not much for gratuitous cursing. A well-placed "Crap!" is about as far as I'll go, at least when my kids are around.

But Halpern's father makes an art out of vitriol: "You always got us. We're family. We ain't going anywhere. Unless you go on a fucking killing spree or something."

I looked Halpern up on Twitter and found gems worthy of the most brilliant comedy. What would normally seem like an unreasonable stream of spleen is put together with comedic flare: "They're offended? Fuck, shit, asshole, shitfuck; they're just words...Fine. Shitfuck isn't a word, but you get my point."

I laughed so hard reading this book that the couch beneath me was in constant danger of getting wet. My kids demanded to know what was so funny. "None of your business!" I choked out.

His latest pearl of wisdom posted to the site is, "Put the rake down. I don't wanna sit around watching you ‘give it your best.' Either stop sucking or get the fuck out of the way."

Honestly, I think there's too much swearing on this earth. At the Advocate, I hear it a lot.

But Halpern's dad has perfected the well-placed curse word.

A deeply loving and attentive family man, he isn't afraid to say exactly what's on his mind: "War hero? No. I was a doc in Vietnam. My job was to say ‘This is what happens when you screw a hooker, kid. Put this cream on your pecker.'"

Wisdom comes in all forms. Sometimes it comes with a bit of spice. And with that, I would like to thank you all for reading my fucking column.