 "Photo: illustration: Paker Montgomery / UCD Advocate")
You’re in college now, so it’s time to learn the difference between your and you’re as well as all of the other silly nuances of the English language. So, for your writing betterment, here is a crash course in what not to do when it comes to grammar.
Assess vs. Asses
This mistake can cause a lot of problems. The verb, which means to evaluate, has two S’s on the end. If you only use one S, you are making the plural form of, in the best case possible, another word for donkey.
This error is especially crippling to one’s resume, where verbs under the purpose section usually take on the same form, and, unfortunately, to asses is not the infinitive form of the verb you’re searching for. If anything, it ends up sounding like you’re forecasting anal sex.
- Theo Romeo
Irregardless
Regardless is already negative. The prefix ir- is used to attach negation to an existing word—like irrelevant. Therefore, irregardless is negating a negative word. Confused? Good.
That’s because irregardless makes almost no sense outside of an argument in which one person says: “Regardless of the fact that I cheated on you with your best friend…” To which, you interrupt: “Irregardless!”
This probably won’t come up all too often. So when it comes to the word, just don’t use it.
- Romeo
Uninterested vs. Disinterested
Most likely, you’ve heard these words swapped out for each other on many occasions. Unfortunately, these words mean completely different things—this is no minor error.
Uninterested, which means bored, is usually what people believe both words mean. This is not the case. Disinterested means that you are approaching a situation without motives or prior interest—you’re objective, and willing to hear both sides.
And although it’s understandable that someone may be uninterested during a student government meeting, it’s a good thing if they remain disinterested until they can understand the situation clearly, which is usually something about funding or parking or…I seem to have fallen asleep.
- Romeo
Farther vs. Further
One of the least important errors in this list, this one probably doesn’t even matter to your grammar-obsessed English lit teacher. Farther refers to physical distance, as indicated by the root word far.
On the other hand, further is a more abstract term for advancing a point or a discussion. One way to remember the difference is to think of what my mother said when my brother and I corrected her on this term: “Furthermore, I fuckin’ hate you guys.” Love you too, Mom.
- Steve Weishampel
Lose vs. Loose
This confusion pops up on your Facebook wall about as often as Courtney breaks up with that looser Devin. Lose, a verb, means to fail or to misplace. Loose means not tight or not dense.
For whatever reason, people want to stick another O in lose, probably because they’re thinking of the spelling of booze. If you’re confused, just remember: Wilt Chamberlain did not sleep with a ton of lose women.
- Weishampel
Affect vs. Effect
This extremely common error is even harder to master than it seems. Most explanations of this error point to the difference in parts of speech: affect is a verb meaning to influence, and effect is a noun meaning a result. Not only does nobody know what the hell a noun and a verb are, this is not even true.
Affect can be a noun meaning feeling or emotion; effect can be a verb meaning to produce or bring about. Yeah, it’s rare to use them this way. But it’s true. Not as simple as you thought, huh? Like most things in life, it’s probably just easier to cling to the simple version. Or never use the words at all—instead of effective, I like to say “resultful.”
- Weishampel
It’s vs. Its
It’s hard to know which version of it’s/its to use until you know the really easy rule behind it: It’s is a contraction (short for “it is”), like “don’t” or “can’t,” while its is possessive, like “his” or “Dave’s.” The confusing thing is that possessives normally take apostrophes, (see: “Dave’s”), but not here.
And that’s just the way it is. If you’re thinking, “Wow, that seems really hard to remember, and also arbitrary,” well, welcome to the real world. And tough shit, because that’s the way the real world is.
- Jef Otte
Apostrophes
And speaking of possessives and contractions, they’re actually the only reason you should ever use apostrophes at all.
In the English language, there are many instances in which the letter S gets tacked onto the end of a word: third person singular, present tense verbs (it speaks), plurals (donuts), and the aforementioned possessives (Dave’s).
You will note, if you’re astute, that there is only one instance above in which an apostrophe comes before the S. So you never eat donut’s; you eat donuts. And your brother, he never run’s to the store; he runs there. And the groceries he gets, they are not your brothers; they’re your brother’s.
Unless your brother is an asexual neuter pronoun: Then they’re its.
- Otte
Then vs. Than
These two words sound the same when you say them, but here’s the thing: They don’t look the same when you write them. So it’s a problem to use them interchangeably, because they actually mean different things.
Than is a quantifier, meaning it’s a word that deals with numbers: More than, less than. Then deals with time: “I read this grammar guide, and then I could use words correctly.” Pretty simple, right?
- Otte
To tell the truth, people can pretty much figure it out if you misuse these. The problem is—and this is the problem with almost all grammatical errors—is that while they’re figuring it out, they’re also coming to the conclusion that you’re a dumbass that can’t use words properly. And you know what? There right.
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