WORST NEW YEARS EVE LOCATION

New Year’s Eve is basically an excuse to get drunk and party, and finding the right place to spend the last hours of the year can be tricky. But whatever you do, don’t go to downtown Denver.

For some reason, New Year’s Eve fireworks attract suburbanites to 16th Street Mall like a sale at Pier 1 Imports. Even though it’s freezing outside and there’s nowhere to go to the bathroom, they pack up their kids and pay $40 to park. Then they try to drive the wrong way down a one-way street.

Another reason not to go downtown is the fact that the bars all have cover charges. Even the awesome local bar that you frequent weekly requires $10 to step inside the door, and once you get inside the drinks are smaller then normal and cost twice as much.

And, even though you paid $10 to get inside, there’s still nowhere to go to the bathroom. The line is long and half of the stalls are occupied by 35-year-old moms drunk from one glass of champagne.

Plus, there’s no escaping drunk crying girls while downtown. Because nothing makes girls cry more than New Year’s Eve. Let’s blame society for that one.

Honestly, you’re better off stocking up at the liquor store and having a party at home. That way you can have fun without having to worry about parking or an influx of people who think parking meters are an anomaly.