Burning sensation? STD Clinic offers free testing

So it hurts a little when you pee. No big deal. You use whatever protection is available to you, skip spending about $200 in tests, and never tell your partner about that night you spent in the Flying J outside of El Paso. Problem solved. However, you’re still dirty, really dirty, and denial won’t cure that mess that’s chewing on your insides.

Luckily for you, and anyone who is remotely attracted to you and trusting enough to let you near them, the Denver Health STD Clinic (605 Bannock St Room 162) will test you. If you’re under 21 years old, they’ll test you for free. But don’t fret, legal drinkers; if you’re older than 21, and a resident of Denver, Adams, Arapahoe, or Douglas County, there’s no charge for the tests. Not only that, but if they spot that El Paso infection, they’ll treat it at no cost.

The clinic is open five days a week. You can call ahead to make a next-day appointment, or simply show up for a walk-in. The staff recommends that you arrive early. The clinic closes at 4 p.m., and it increases your chances of actually being seen if you get there right when they open.

“It depends how many appointments we have a day. If there are a lot of appointments, we won’t get to all the walk-ins,” said an employee who, because of the clinic’s policy, could not give his name.

Another feature of the clinic, and an indicator of just how amazing modern medical science can be, is the 20-minute HIV test. Don’t worry, they don’t take 20 minutes’ worth of blood; they take a small vial, and in less than half an hour, your results are in. The bad news: While you wait for the results, you will have flashback upon flashback of every bad decision you’ve ever made.

In addition to HIV testing, the clinic tests for gonorrhea, chlamydia, syphilis, genital warts, non-gonoccocal urethritis, pelvic inflammatory disease, and various vaginal infections. Unfortunately, unless you have symptoms, the clinic does not test for herpes.

So do yourself, and whoever is going to spend Valentine’s Day with you, a favor. Take a few hours out of your day, internally nitpick every mistake in your past, and put your blood, urine, or uterine walls on display to the medical staff at the Denver Health STD Clinic. Future partners will thank you later—or completely avoid you. But you’ll never know until you get tested.
 

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