 "Photo: Alicia Schuster / UCD Advocate")
Warning: Please read this fake article only if you can take a joke.
Ever since media outlets began focusing on the obesity epidemic, many vain and lazy people have been searching for new cheap and easy methods of weight loss.
However, health professionals in Denver are returning to more old-school ideas. Tracing back to the ancient Egyptians, the method dieticians are advocating for has worked for thousands of years.
What is this old trick? You might be surprised. The answer is simple: bulimia.
According to Dr. Grant Ivanhosen, bulimia is much less harmful to the human body than first assumed by scientists—in fact, it does more good than harm.
“Many people call bulimia an eating disorder. I would argue that it should be changed to an eating order,” said Ivanhosen.
Bulimia has a naturalizing effect on the digestive system, allowing for endurance for the intestines, as they rarely get used.
According to Ivanhosen, studies have proven that the practice of bulimia for a year in youth increases strength and longevity for the rest of your adult life, improving blood pressure and overall health.
Ivanhosen isn’t the only one with this opinion.
According to Gina Garratt, certified dietitian, this practice is extremely good for health.
Garratt endorses bulimia to her clients.
“I think that bulimia is one of the bases of true health,” said Garratt. “Bulimic people are active, focused, empowered, and motivated.” Bulimia allows for necessary nutrients to be used by the body and ensures that the spare fats, carbs, and proteins don’t get turned into excess fat that can slow the body down and cause club goers to avoid asking you to dance, according to Garratt.
Soaking in these nutrients is necessary, however, so the technique of this practice is vital to allow its benefits to work.
According to Dr. Leon Jaquin, how long the food remains in the body is extremely important. The bake time is what makes this practice an art.
“For fruits or vegetables, allow 40 minutes after eating before the hurl,” said Jaquin. “For most other things, meat, dairy, bread, and candy, only allow 20-30 minutes before yakking.”
These guidelines should start you on your way to be well-nourished, as well as at your best for work or school, according to Jaquin.
There are, Garret said, slight drawbacks to this practice.
“I lost most of my teeth because of stomach acid decay,” said Garrett. “However, the bright side of this is I now have dentures and don’t have to deal with a dentist.” Besides this, and a small risk of over-shrinking, bulimia is the way to go, according to Garratt.
What you decide to consume and what you do with it after is totally up to you and your comfort level with the toilet. Perhaps soon, though, there will be something fashionable to chunk into… until then, remember, your health should come first.
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