 "Photo: Illustration: Joe Oliver | UCD Advocate")
Long ago, Valentine’s Day wasn’t a lovey-dovey holiday of cheesy greeting cards and stale chocolate. It wasn’t even about a martyred Christian saint. It was about one thing: sex. Yep, like most every Christianized-turned-commercialized pagan holiday, the celebration of Lupercalia was full of drinking, sacrificing animals, and lots and lots of doing the deed.
In that spirit, the Advocate has put together a list of sex songs the pagans might have approved of—they’re full of smut, totally raunchy, and are anything but romantic.
“Push It” – Salt-N-Pepa
From the title to the erotic moans that, ahem, pepper the track, this song is perfect for anonymous club hook-ups. And don’t expect any gooey sentimentality from the ladies of Salt-N-Pepa on this track. They want one thing, as evidenced by the lyrics. “Yeah, you come here, gimme a kiss/Better make it fast or else I’m gonna get pissed,” they demand, “Can’t you hear the music’s pumpin’ hard like I wish you would/Now push it.”
“Fuck The Pain Away” – Peaches
While almost all of Canadian electro-raunch queen Peaches’ songs deal with the F-word, this song is perhaps the epitome of that anonymous sex ethos. From talking about “suckin’ on my titties” to instruction on just what to do about pain, Peaches gets straight to the point. And what else would you expect from an artist with album titles like Fatherfucker, Impeach My Bush, and I Feel Cream.
“Darling Nikki” – Prince
If anything, this tune contains the best how-we-met story of all time. Sings Prince of his “sex fiend,” Nikki: “I met her in a hotel lobby masturbating with a magazine.” Romantic. Best known as the song that set off Tipper Gore’s censorship rampage, this track is all about doing it. And not much else. After a night of wild, unbridled passion, Prince wakes up to only a note in the hotel room from his darling Nikki that says “Thank you for a funky time/Call me up whenever you wanna grind.”
“L’Amour A Trois” – Stereo Total
Though the lyrics to this song are all en français, it’s pretty obvious what the band is singing about. Full of erotic oohs and ahhs, as well as a chorus that translates to mean “I like three-ways,” the French prove their continued ability to be totally raunchy and hot. This is voulez-vous coucher avec moi to the next level.
“Flower” – Liz Phair
Back before Liz Phair was wondering why she can’t breathe whenever she thinks about you, her songs had much more subversive, and often sexual, subject matter. On this 1993 song, Phair wants to be “your blowjob queen” and “fuck you till your dick is blue.” That’s a heck of a lot more interesting than just getting a little bit out of breath.
“Add It Up” – Violent Femmes
Wailing like a sexually frustrated teenager, singer Gordon Gano can think of nothing else but doing the deed. “Why can’t I get just one screw?” he complains. Ultimately, talk is cheap. “Words all fail the magic prize,” Gano sings, “Nothing I can say when I’m in your thighs.”
Those godless pagans knew that kinky sex was more fun than vanilla. So screw sentimentality. Put these tracks on to change the mood from romance to raunch.
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