WHAT A FIEND THERE IS IN ROMNEY

We’ve survived this presidential election thus far, with just six more days until we can run free out of buildings like “School’s Out” for summer while Alice Cooper’s song plays in our heads.

Now Romney and Obama are bussing it across the country in hopes of snagging the playground in the swing set states. I’m sure they’re both listening to some awesome road trip songs.

I can really see the Romney crew bumpin’ some killer beats across our motherland of amber waves of grain. They probably eased into the road trip with hours of elevator music versions of every song in existence, after starting out with everyone’s favorite classic, “Little Spanish Flea” by Herb Alpert & the Tijuana Brass—yes, go YouTube this.

Eventually he’ll get to the songs that you wouldn’t normally expect like “Cowboys From Hell” by Pantera, though he won’t know how sinful it is because it’s only instrumental. “Da-da-da do-do-do cowboys from heaven,” he’ll sing as he trims his ear hair during his daily routine.

After rereading The Book of Mormon for a riveting 100th time this year, hymnals will pour from the depths of the diaphragm of this anitchrist in wolf’s clothing. While singing “What A Friend We Have In Jesus” Romney won’t be able to help but stare at an unrealistic white depiction of Jesus painted across the whole tour bus bedroom wall.

Shenanigans will of course ignite the Romney squad to break the monotony of their boring personalities and stop by a Catholic church so they can egg the building with Cadbury eggs while the soundtrack from Jesus Christ Superstar blasts from enormous speakers.

In the next campaign city, after a healthy breakfast of Christian pop songs by Michael W. Smith, Newsboys, and Jars of Clay, Romney will sing “Jesus Freak” by dc Talk as his youngest son shines his shoes with whale blubber oil-based shoe shine. After flipping a nickel to his kid he will preach to him how you’re supposed to tax the lower class more so the rich get richer and the poor stay poor. His son will reluctantly give Romney back two pennies, spit on his shoes, and run away.

I could never see my third party vote swaying toward Romney, even if he started listening to better music, but at least he still listens to music and hasn’t excluded it like caffeine.