T-Pain may or may not sound like Chris Tucker

What does T-Pain sound like without Auto-Tune?

—Courtney, Undeclared Liberal Arts

Dear Courtney,

How coincidental. This exact subject actually came up at the NAACP meeting I went to last week. Barack Obama speculated that T-Pain probably sounds like the black guy in the All-State commercials. I said Chris Tucker.

Courtney, just because I’m black does not give me personal insight into every black man. If that were the case, I’d know why Dennis Rodman wore a wedding dress,or  why anyone thinks half-fros are cool.

If I had to guess, I’d say T-Pain sounds like a run-of-the-mill black guy raised in Tallahassee, Fla. And as evidenced by his lyrics, he probably says “shawty” as often as LL Cool J licks his lips.

Why don’t many black dudes snowboard?
—Andrew, Sociology

Dear Andrew,

It’s a matter of ancestry. Black people dominate basketball, football, and track and field. That’s because my forefathers lived on the Equator, not in the Arctic Circle.

Plus, the slang that comes with snowboarding just doesn’t sit well with the black man. You won’t see Samuel L. Jackson saying, “Let’s go thrash the gnar and slash the pow, bro.”

However, we are slowly making our way into winter sports. A prime example is hockey player Mike Grier, a forward for the Buffalo Sabres and one of the few black professional hockey players.

Don’t worry, in due time we’ll dominate snowboarding too.

Do you like Oprah, or does she act “too white”?
—Michael, History

Dear Michael,

I’d like to answer your question with another question: What exactly constitutes being “too white”?

If being “too white” includes having a successful job, being well-spoken, and being wealthy, then yes, Oprah Winfrey is “too white.” Or were you getting at the fact that she is a several-times published author and superstar talk show host?

Wait, maybe you meant she could be classified as “too white” because she’s never been caught up in legal scandals and has a multi-billion-dollar net worth, and established her own charity organization (which has raised over $51 million since 1998).

If that’s the way you define “too white,” Mike, then hell yes, Oprah Winfrey is way too white.

Bryan Smith is a real-life black guy and
Advocate staffer. Send him your questions
at DearBlackGuy@ucdadvocate.com

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