Warning: Please read this fake article only if you can take a joke.
Former House Rep. Tom Tancredo addressed Coloradans Thursday and apologized for being such an embarrassing excuse for a public representative, and a monstrously racist dick.
"I really can't say I'm sorry enough," Tancredo said.
Tancredo, former representative for Colorado for 30 years and rumored candidate for the 2010 governor's race, has repeatedly proven himself as a staunch racist and even once made a Rolling Stone top 10 list for "Worst Congressmen" under the given name "Mr. Bigotry."
"It must have been really embarrassing," Tancredo said. "Here other states have representatives actually representing their people and working for a better tomorrow. I just never got that memo."
Even after he was voted out of office, Tancredo continued to march on Capitol Hill, espousing racist remarks against Hispanic immigrants.
"I saw him in Washington once," Colorado native Kim Shardin said. "I thought he was the head of the American Nazi party."
Shardin explained that she and her friend were watching with disgust when it suddenly hit her that Tancredo was, in fact, the guy who has been representing her district.
Tancredo took some time during his apology to directly address the large Hispanic population in Colorado.
"Guys," said Tancredo. "I never learned Spanish, ‘cause who needs it? But, I am really sorry—lo siento, guys."
Tancredo recognized that most immigrants are only here to work hard and help their families.
"Here I am, a rich white dude, and no worries in the world, abusing my power to keep you down," Tancredo said. "I mean honestly, my grandparents were all Italian immigrants. I should be much more supportive and understanding than I am. Will you guys ever be able to forgive me?"
"No. I don't think so," observer Carl Velasquez said. "Not on his life."
"When will the racist prick stop crying, Daddy?" Velasquez's young daughter asked.
"I don't know, baby. I just don't know," Velasquez responded.
Tancredo wrapped up his apology with his eyes on the cosmos.
"I know Jesus is ever-forgiving, and he will find it in his heart to allow for my repentance," Tancredo said. "I just hope all of you can, too. Again, I am just sorrier than words can say."
In a response to the implication of Jesus' forgiveness, Jesus responded, "Listen, I'm a nice guy and everything, but we don't let bigots into Heaven. They ruin casino night and never get picked for kickball."
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2 comments
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